I spoke earlier about my efforts to work on a personal project part-time, I have a rather depressing update to report. Though I did manage to design the algorithm and code the core of it, it seems my motivation problem that has crept in over the years has risen its ugly head (or, more likely, never laid its head down to begin with). There were many interruptions in my first week and I did very little coding, but did get a design on paper (very short-hand, I doubt anyone else could make any use of my notes, better than encryption!). Early last week I got the core algorithm written (the part that evaluates the evolving program), then additional interruptions. Finally, last Thursday, I had a day totally to myself. The boy was at camp, I had no obligations and the hard part of the design was done. All I had left to do was adapt existing evolutionary code to this particular application, then start unit testing to ensure that what I had written matched with my design expectations. I expected Thursday to be a very productive day and might, with a bit of luck, be able to start the real testing with market data that night.
Instead, I wasn’t able to get anything done, not one single line of code. I tried everything I have used in the past to focus and even went on a long walk/jog, but to no avail. I was completely unable to write anything. I guess it is like writers block, though I haven’t really had this coding before (I have been stuck in analysis paralysis a number of times, but not when I knew exactly what needed to be written). So, in giving up a week and a half’s worth of pay, I produced less than a thousand lines of code, barely tested any of it, and have nothing working to show for it. I am not sure if this is permanent brain atrophy (I was, after all, able to design and code the core) or if it is somehow recoverable, but I decided not to waste any more money by taking time off (yesterday I wasn’t feeling well and spent most of the day in bed). After discussing things with my wife I am going to attempt to utilize the morning hours on the weekend (the hours I tend to be most productive coding anyway) and see if I can get the program completed and unit tested. If I can, then at least I can start the real testing and learn if the algorithm has any value.
I am worried about my lack of motivation. For quite a while I have blamed my inability to work on projects after work and on weekends to being mentally exhausted from my unmotivating work. However, prior to a couple of years ago, I was working extensively on my DNA sequencing research and building a house, so in retrospect it seems like I was quite busy and productive, but the last couple of years has really sapped my energy. Though I am working on a new construction project (the greenhouse pool) I am suffering similar ennui on that project and often have incredible difficulty in getting started each weekend and sort of drift along and get less done than I feel I should, based on past results. I blame part of that on not having any real vacation time in over a year and when I do take a break for some reason it is often due to illness (which really isn’t a break!) or because I just cannot get motivated, yet still have the negative thoughts, thus no real mental relaxation. Physical relaxation isn’t an issue, my regular job is sitting on my ass all day and I have to make time to exercise.
I am not sure how to address my situation. My wife isn’t a lot of help, she loves her job and thinks I complain too much. I do have projects in the works (aquaponics and biofuel from duckweed), but they are dependent on the completion of the greenhouse/pool, so my negative feelings just compound themselves when I think about how slow things are going. My ennui makes me more irritable than usual (and I have always had a short temper), which has me snapping at my wife and boy, which of course cycles more negative feelings back into the mix. I used to relax reading, now I don’t do much of that any more, instead I just sit in front of the TV and stare. Maybe it gives me an excuse to ignore what is going on around me, I dunno. Therapy is expensive and based on my research, nearly useless, so I guess this blog post acts as the great shrink in the sky.
They say it is always darkest just before the dawn, but dammit, it just seems to keep getting darker!
